(Sneaking In and Posting “Idjot Project” Emails…)

…(shhhh…. I’m trying to sneak back in after being gone a while…)

Okay, one more example of how ridiculous these scam letter conversations can get:

 

First Scam Email: 5/20/2006

Dear CHASE bank Member,

CHASE Bank is devoted to keeping a safe environment for its community of consumers and producers. To guarantee the safety of your account, CHASE Bank deploys some of the most advanced security measures in the world and our anti-fraud units regularly screen the CHASE Bank database for suspicious activity.

We recently have discovered that multiple computers have attempted to log into your CHASE Bank Online Banking account, and multiple password failures were presented before the logons. We now require you to re-validate your account information to us. If this is not completed by December 24, 2005, we will be forced to suspend your account indefinitely, as it may have been used for fraudulent purposes. We thank you for your cooperation in this manner.

In order to confirm your Online Bank records, we may require some specific information from you.

Please Click Here or on the link below to verify your account

http://www.chase.com/verification/update/

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. Please understand that this is a security measure meant to help protect you and your account.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

If you choose to ignore our request, you leave us no choice but to temporary suspend your account.

CHASE Bank Security Team

 

 

My First Reply: 5/20/2006

Dearest CBST,

Wow! Thank the good little Baby Jesus that I have Chase as my bank! Those heartless bastards over at CitiBank would have already let me get robbed blind by now. That’s why always tell my son, “There’s a reason we named you Chase, boy, and one day you’ll be old enough to understand. Just remember that you can always trust your banker!”

Chase is kind of a jackass, but I don’t blame you for how heturned out at all. I think it was the late-term drinking myself, but my wife keeps blaming the blows to his head after report cards come home. Either way, you’re off the hook.

So, where do we begin here? Should I give you all my credit card numbers and social security numbers? I’ll start making up a list of all my passwords right now. Maybe I should just copy you on any further correspondence I have with my investment broker, because I can’t trust him as far as I can throw him. And to think my wife wanted to name Chase “Merrill Lynch.” Women, what are you gonna do? Anyhoo, let’s wrap this sucker up fast before those terrorist fiends get at my money.

By the way, if you ever need someone to help sweep the floors over there, give me a call–Chase sweeps like a friggin’ ballet dancer.

Merry Christmas (or Channalah, or whatever those other people call it),

Livingston Pablum III

Secure Banking Customer and Trusted Friend

 

Scam Email Reply: 5/20/2006

Dear CHASE bank Member ,

CHASE Bank is devoted to keeping a safe environment for its community of consumers and producers. To guarantee the safety of your account, CHASE Bank deploys some of the most advanced security measures in the world and our anti-fraud units regularly screen the CHASE Bank database for suspicious activity.

We recently have discovered that multiple computers have attempted to log into your CHASE Bank Online Banking account, and multiple password failures were presented before the logons. We now require you to re-validate your account information to us. If this is not completed by December 24, 2005, we will be forced to suspend your account indefinitely, as it may have been used for fraudulent purposes. We thank you for your cooperation in this manner.

In order to confirm your Online Bank records, we may require some specific information from you.

Please Click Here or on the link below to verify your account

http://www.chase.com/verification/update/

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. Please understand that this is a security measure meant to help protect you and your account.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

If you choose to ignore our request, you leave us no choice but to temporary suspend your account.

CHASE Bank Security Team

 

My Second Reply: 5/20/2006

Hey you!

You’re back again, but you didn’t answer my question: should I just send the list of passwords right to you, or should I keep them safe somewhere else? All this online stuff really confuses me, so you can imagine what this is doing to Chase. He’s taken to staring at the toilet and making soft “coo-ing” sounds. That’s not right!

Let me know, and don’t forget to send me your address for our Christmas card! You might get it late, but it’s not like I already had your address, am I right? Am I right?

Toodles, and let’s do lunch sometime after you finish taking care of this nonsense.

(Pssssssst: don’t tell anyone, but I’ll bet it’s the Albanians. Keep it on the down-low, and don’t say you heard it from me).

Hooray for America!,

Livingston Pablum III

Trusting His Banker Since 1993

 

Next Scam Email Reply: 5/22/2006

 

Dear CHASE bank Member ,

CHASE Bank is devoted to keeping a safe environment for its community of consumers and producers. To guarantee the safety of your account, CHASE Bank deploys some of the most advanced security measures in the world and our anti-fraud units regularly screen the CHASE Bank database for suspicious activity.

For the User Agreement, Section 9, we may immediately issue a warning, temporarily suspend, indefinitely suspend or terminate your membership and refuse to provide our services to you if we believe that your actions may cause financial loss or legal liability for you, our users or us.

We recently have discovered that multiple computers have attempted to log into your CHASE Bank Online Banking account, and multiple password failures were presented before the logons. We now require you to re-validate your account information to us. If this is not completed by December 24, 2005, we will be forced to suspend your account indefinitely, as it may have been used for fraudulent purposes. We thank you for your cooperation in this manner.

In order to confirm your Online Bank records, we may require some specific information from you.

Please Click Here or on the link below to verify your account

http://www.chase.com/verification/

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. Please understand that this is a security measure meant to help protect you and your account.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

If you choose to ignore our request, you leave us no choice but to temporary suspend your account.

CHASE Bank Security Team

 

My Third Reply: 5/22/2006

Dearest Trusted Banker,

Ok, now I know this is serious: I’m a big believer in the rule of three, and you just sent me the same notice for the third time, so I know I have to act quickly.

First, let me ask you to address me as Livingston. “Dear CHASE Bank Member” makes it sound as if you’re my boot-licking manservant, and that’s probably too formal! Folks around here call me Mr. Pablum, or Livster, or The Livingstonator. So don’t think you’re insulting me by using my name because we have a relationship.

Second, I want to take a moment to thank your anti-fraud team. Why? Because I bet they never get thanked. It’s always the people out front who handle the checks that get the “thank yous” and the fruit cake on Christmas (or Channalewah, or whatever that other one is). Who takes the time to give a hearty “hail-fellow-well-met” to our boys in the back, protecting us from the online thieves that threaten us at every turn? Just because that lady who always works on Saturdays in my branch wears tight sweaters doesn’t mean she should grab all the glory. So here’s my shout-out to the good guys: all hail America! Victory is Ours!

Fourth, I see now that MULTIPLE computers have attempted to break into my online banking account. Luckily, they had the wrong passwords! Whew! Whoever thought up that whole password idea is a genius: to me, he’s King Coffee on Shinypants Mountain! Can you imagine if we didn’t have passwords on these accounts? I’ll bet a lot more money would be stolen, that’s for one. And porn would be free, probably.

Still, that’s a pretty big trade-off, so I’ll take the passwords! I have my list ready whenever you want me to send it; the link you gave me would only let me put in one password, but what should I do with all the others? I wanted to get right on it, because my account will be invalidated on Christmas Eve! You don’t have to explain to me the significance of that date, and I think it was a wise choice. It represents the day BEFORE our Savior was born, when there was only evil in the world. Without re-validating my account, it will be like that all over again, when all they had to celebrate was Channagurum (Channakasum? Channakahem?). Christmas must have sucked back then.

As for apologizing for any inconvenience you have caused, perish the thought! You are helping ME on this one, and even though it means that I have one more thing to add to my pre-Christmas To-Do list, I will do it gladly and without any ill will toward you. Besides, my son Chase doesn’t need all his presents on time and CHASE BANK needs me now more than ever! Chase can play with the empty boxes for a couple days while I shop after the holidays; I’ll probably get some great bargains! That means I’ll have more money in my account, and even more for you boys to protect.

No need to suspend my account, therefore; I’ll get on this quicker than our golden retriever on the mailman’s thigh. I don’t want you to “temporary suspend” or “indefinitely suspend” my account, especially because I thought both of those meant the same thing. Shows what I know! Maybe that’s why I’m so darned attractive to all these thieves: I’m just too trusting and kind-hearted and slow to reload when the shells jam. I like that you are protecting me from myself like this.

We Will Prevail! Down With Online Pirates!

Livingston Pablum III

Protected Account Holder and Proud CHASE Member

P.S. In light of our last email I know that you will keep the following information under your hat and let only the “right” people see it. It’s from yesterday’s Business Week Online:

“DEC. 21 10:44 A.M. ET  Albania has canceled a deal with General Electric Co. on the reconstruction of a rail link between Tirana, the western port town of Durres and Tirana’s international airport, authorities said Wednesday.”

Interesting coincidence, isn’t it? I think you know I’m winking when I say that, but just in case you don’t I want you to know I’m winking. Once, not over and over. Chase does that sometimes and I smack him.

Albania will be our downfall unless ALL of us band together and re-validate our accounts. First we’ll cut off their stolen cash flow, then they’ll come crawling to us for help. And you know who is gonna get their hands on all that sweet international loan action? CHASE Bank, that’s who! It’s a win-win situation, just like the arrival of the Baby Jesus! Hooray for CHASE! Hooray for Jesus! Hooray for international justice!!

(NO FURTHER COMMUNICATION)