I archive some of the ridiculous stuff I’ve done over the years on this page. No, I’m not proud.
Michael Phelps at 2016 Rio Olympics:
My Very Expensive Etsy Store
The idea behind this was to create ridiculous items and present them for sale on Etsy, a popular craft site, to see what the reactions would be. It was well worth my time. Below the slides are my storefront policies. I’ve since taken the items down but the store remains.
Last updated on July 1, 2011
Let me be blunt: you have to investigate the entirety of human history to find those rare few who can put my art into words. Who could it be? Socarates? Plato? Shakespeare? Not quite.
“Come with me and you’ll be
In a world of pure imagination
Take a look and you’ll see
Into your imagination (EDITOR’S NOTE: okay, this line isn’t very strong)
We’ll begin with a spin
Trav’ling in the world of my creation
What we’ll see will defy
If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world, there’s nothing to it”
If I had my druthers, you’d pay me as I deserve. Unfortunately, there are few that can afford me. How much is Happiness worth? Genius? Justice? Instead, I’ll have to lower my expectations so that my art can pollinate future generations. In other words, I’ll price my work so you can afford it even though you don’t deserve it.
All prices are in Untied States dollars. That’s right, the good ol’ US of frickin’ A. If you want it rushed, you’re going to have to beg. I don’t like rushing my art. I don’t even like RUSH, and they were a seminal 80’s arena rock band that produced “Fly by Night.”
(EDITOR’S NOTE: if you want to estimate the real economic value of my pieces, add at least six zeroes after each price. See the deal you’re getting? You’re welcome.)
Great care is taken with all orders to make sure my artwork arrives intact. Notice I didn’t say “on time,” because time is an artificial construct. Days and days are spent contemplating delivery options for each piece, then a shaman is brought in to sing the incantations for a safe journey. Sometimes this is accompanied by bubble wrap. Your shipping cost includes these services and is non-refundable. If you want to tell the shaman he hasn’t earned his paycheck, be my guest.
Refunds and Exchanges
Like all great things, you have one crack at this. No, my friend, I do not allow returns. Don’t insult the artistic process by imposing your judgment on my work. You are not qualified. In fact, if you seek to return my work, I will charge you double because you’ve created a mess and now we have TWO things to deal with. Shame on you.
Additional policies and FAQs
In his November 1935 article “Die gegenwärtige Situation in der Quantenmechanik (The present situation in quantum mechanics)” in Naturwissenschaften, Erwin Schrödinger wrote that quantum entanglement occurs when particles with mass originally interact physically and then become separated in such a way that each resulting thing carries the same quantum mechanical description, a description that is indefinite in terms of important factors such as position, momentum, spin, or polarization. Schrödinger supposed a situation in which a cat was penned up in a steel chamber, along with the following device secured against direct interference by the cat: in a Geiger counter, there is a tiny bit of radioactive substance, so small that perhaps in the course of the hour, one of the atoms decays, but also, with equal probability, perhaps none; if it happens, the counter tube discharges, and through a relay releases a hammer that shatters a small flask of hydrocyanic acid. If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The psi-function of the entire system would express this by having in it the living and dead cat (pardon the expression) mixed or smeared out in equal parts. It is typical of these cases that an indeterminacy originally restricted to the atomic domain becomes transformed into macroscopic indeterminacy, which can then be resolved by direct observation. That prevents us from so naively accepting as valid a “blurred model” for representing reality.
Also, sharks sleep with their eyes open.